A Mother without a Mother 😬


Putting yourself out there can be a very daunting thing. I’m not one to be particularly emotional and by that I mean I never really show my feelings to anyone apart from those close to me.  So this particular post has been in my drafts for a while.  I had planned to post it on my mothers anniversary but I got seriously cold feet! So here goes…. if this makes no sense, my apologies.

I lost my mother when I was 15, to none other than the horrid Cancer. As sad as it was and still is I’ve coped well over the years. I always thought of my sisters who were all younger than me especially my youngest; she was only 6 years old when mum passed away.  We managed well between my Dad and a plethora of family members. Granted, there were some hairy moments growing up… mainly teenage rebellion and girl fights. Really, just the usual growing up in a house filled with female hormones.

Many life events have passed- graduations, getting married, buying a house…All the occasions where I really feel her loss. When she passed away I thought of all these events but one I never considered was when I began my family.

Once I became pregnant I had countless questions and concerns. I knew if she was still here I would be able to ask her. Was her labor long, did she have difficult pregnancies? During pregnancy on hormonal days I would often cry how much I missed her and at the time I really felt rather lonely. I would tell my husband what was wrong and he would be clueless as to what he should do. I mean don’t mistake me for a loner, I have a huge circle of friends and a very close family. But just like Freddie pines for me some days I really pined for her.

I didn’t realise the happiest time of my life would be dotted with grief, a new grief. There are many things I wished. I wished my mother knew she had a Grandson, she never even met my husband but I know how proud she would be of him and of Freddie. I know how perfect she would think Freddie is- even when he’s standing in a highchair lobbing food. I would love to have caught a glimpse of her face as she seen him for the very first time.

I wish she was there whenever I got home from hospital, to make me food or clean my house! I miss her cooking and I miss her incessant cleaning (can’t believe I’m saying this, it was the cause of many an argument)!

I wish she was around for my maternity, I often fanaticize how we could have spent days shopping or just been in each other’s company. Though I imagine in reality we would have drove each other mad!

I wish I could have picked up the phone to her. Many times I questioned my judgment when Freddie was sick. I often relied on google or the out of hour’s doctor. The NHS might have got a rest if she was here!

These are just a few on my wish list, everyday there’s a new one to add. I never knew having Freddie would make me feel the wrath of lose all over again. In fact I thought he would fill the void. Sixteen years on and I still feel the clouds of her loss hanging above me.  I often think do other mothers in the same situation feel this, but I’m sure they do.  I watch my friends with their children and their mothers and often feel pangs of envy.  I often think to myself they really don’t know how lucky they are.

I just hope from heaven she knows how proud I am to be her daughter. I hope she knows how much I learnt from her and most of all how much I appreciate and respect her. I now understand what an amazing strong woman she was.

Being a mum without a mum is not easy. However, someone once told me, there’s always someone, somewhere worse off than you! And I always have this in the back of my mind!

Rita

xx

 

 

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18 Comments

  1. Ruthie Cameron
    September 19, 2017 / 7:26 am

    Very moving honest account.my Mum died in Feb and had long life . She was 89. I am blessed to have had her all those years. Dementia in last years not nice but she always knew us. I miss her as well. I feel for you and can only imagine how you feel. I had breast cancer in 7yr ago when my kids where 18 15 and 13 . My thoughts of going through horrid treatment where to continue to be there for them. That is how your Mum must of felt. Lots of love to you and your family x

    • lifeatbelgrove
      September 20, 2017 / 8:47 am

      Aww sorry to hear about your mum! I think it applies no matter when they passed. yes your very lucky to have had her all those years but I’m sure it can be even harder letting go. Sometimes I think we were all so resilient because we were so young! But you never know until your in the situation how it feels. Everyday certainly gets better. thanks for commenting and sharing you story. xx

  2. Joanna
    September 19, 2017 / 8:08 am

    Beautifully written Rita, lots of love, xx

    • lifeatbelgrove
      September 20, 2017 / 8:40 am

      Thanks Joanna. xx

  3. Claudette Ward-Mahy
    September 19, 2017 / 10:20 am

    A beautiful post, left me in tears as I couldn’t imagine life without my mum and going through pregnancy, birth and motherhood without her. I only know from my own mums personal experience, she lost her mum to emphysema when she was 7/8 months pregnant, so what was meant to be one of the happiest times of her life expecting a baby was also one of the saddest times of her life. She would tell me she would cry at work when colleagues would complain about their mothers, not knowing how lucky they were to still have them, when she brought my sister home she longed for her mum and had so many questions see wished she could ask her, was she doing this right? Should I be doing this right? Is that what motherhood is meant to feel like? Am I doing it right? So many unanswered questions that she longed to be answered. But my mum did it and went on to have me and for that I am so proud and grateful to call her my mum. She amazes me everyday, and even at the age of 29 I still need her to answer those nagging questions for me. Being a mother without a mother must be one of the hardest things, but you’re doing a wonderful job. Thank you for sharing this with us all. Claudette xx @with_love_claudette

    • lifeatbelgrove
      September 20, 2017 / 8:40 am

      Thanks for you lovely comment Claudette and what a fierce Mum you have. Its good to put stuff like this out there as somehow you don’t feel so alone! xx

  4. September 19, 2017 / 12:04 pm

    This is such a beautifully written post Rita, my heart goes out to you as my biggest fear is losing my Mum.

    • lifeatbelgrove
      September 20, 2017 / 8:38 am

      Thank You Sara for you kind words. xx

  5. Michela
    September 19, 2017 / 12:05 pm

    Rita I am with you and in a way, it is the same for me. I lost my father 6 years ago, he will never know my daughters and yes, I constantly hope that he can see us from where he is now 💗 Thank you

    • lifeatbelgrove
      September 20, 2017 / 8:38 am

      Oh its definitely the same! They most definitely do watch over us all! x

  6. Cliodhna
    September 19, 2017 / 1:15 pm

    Such a beautiful post Rita . Hugs and kisses from the White house xx

    (Ps I take it that’s who kitty gets her love for cleaning from lol )

    • lifeatbelgrove
      September 20, 2017 / 8:36 am

      Thanks Clio & of course Kitty didn’t lick that up of the street! LOL

  7. Cathy
    September 20, 2017 / 6:27 am

    This is beautiful-what a lovely thing to share, I’ve honestly been in tears! I can relate to so much. Xxx

    • lifeatbelgrove
      September 20, 2017 / 8:36 am

      Thanks Cathy, I never realised so many people would feel the same. rather silly of me to be honest! xx

  8. Jenny
    September 21, 2017 / 9:03 am

    Very moving post Rita. We really don’t appreciate our loved ones like we should. Every blessing to you and your family.

  9. Catherine
    November 6, 2017 / 2:59 pm

    Just stumbled across this and i can relate all to well. Ive just had my third child and feeling the loss of my mum so very badly. So brave of you to share your feelings.
    My mum died when i was 11 and it really wasnt until my children arrived that i started to properly grieve. I feel like i have no one that compares to her and i find this dreadfully difficult. May we get stronger each day xc

  10. December 15, 2017 / 12:40 pm

    Lifeatbelgrove this made me cry!! I will always remember how strong you were during this time. Beautiful writing and so very honest ❤️

    • lifeatbelgrove
      February 6, 2018 / 2:00 pm

      Ahh thanks Sinead, always feel a bit rare putting yourself out there! But sure, if it helps one person then its doing what its supposed too! xx

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