Putting yourself out there can be a very daunting thing. I’m not one to be particularly emotional and by that I mean I never really show my feelings to anyone apart from those close to me. So this particular post has been in my drafts for a while. I had planned to post it on my mothers anniversary but I got seriously cold feet! So here goes…. if this makes no sense, my apologies.
I lost my mother when I was 15, to none other than the horrid Cancer. As sad as it was and still is I’ve coped well over the years. I always thought of my sisters who were all younger than me especially my youngest; she was only 6 years old when mum passed away. We managed well between my Dad and a plethora of family members. Granted, there were some hairy moments growing up… mainly teenage rebellion and girl fights. Really, just the usual growing up in a house filled with female hormones.
Many life events have passed- graduations, getting married, buying a house…All the occasions where I really feel her loss. When she passed away I thought of all these events but one I never considered was when I began my family.
Once I became pregnant I had countless questions and concerns. I knew if she was still here I would be able to ask her. Was her labor long, did she have difficult pregnancies? During pregnancy on hormonal days I would often cry how much I missed her and at the time I really felt rather lonely. I would tell my husband what was wrong and he would be clueless as to what he should do. I mean don’t mistake me for a loner, I have a huge circle of friends and a very close family. But just like Freddie pines for me some days I really pined for her.
I didn’t realise the happiest time of my life would be dotted with grief, a new grief. There are many things I wished. I wished my mother knew she had a Grandson, she never even met my husband but I know how proud she would be of him and of Freddie. I know how perfect she would think Freddie is- even when he’s standing in a highchair lobbing food. I would love to have caught a glimpse of her face as she seen him for the very first time.
I wish she was there whenever I got home from hospital, to make me food or clean my house! I miss her cooking and I miss her incessant cleaning (can’t believe I’m saying this, it was the cause of many an argument)!
I wish she was around for my maternity, I often fanaticize how we could have spent days shopping or just been in each other’s company. Though I imagine in reality we would have drove each other mad!
I wish I could have picked up the phone to her. Many times I questioned my judgment when Freddie was sick. I often relied on google or the out of hour’s doctor. The NHS might have got a rest if she was here!
These are just a few on my wish list, everyday there’s a new one to add. I never knew having Freddie would make me feel the wrath of lose all over again. In fact I thought he would fill the void. Sixteen years on and I still feel the clouds of her loss hanging above me. I often think do other mothers in the same situation feel this, but I’m sure they do. I watch my friends with their children and their mothers and often feel pangs of envy. I often think to myself they really don’t know how lucky they are.
I just hope from heaven she knows how proud I am to be her daughter. I hope she knows how much I learnt from her and most of all how much I appreciate and respect her. I now understand what an amazing strong woman she was.